(Un)necessary.

What is?

closuregif

Closure. Let me tell you a story. Many, many moons ago during that perilous decade known as my Twenties, I met a boy. He was nice; we became friends. Eventually, I developed a crush on him (as I was prone to do) and silly me, I believed that he felt romantical (definitely not a word) about me in return. He didn’t. After some time of seeing that my efforts to engage him met with silence, it was clear that he wasn’t interested in me. Disappointing? Yes. Ultimately something I moved on from? Absolutely. And then a friend and I talked about it and she encouraged me to reveal my feelings for him, something I had never communicated. “You need closure,” she kept saying. “You need to know where you stand, once and for all.” But, dear reader, I already knew where I stood. It was startlingly clear: this boy had zero interest in your Square Peg. So why did I nod along with her talk of closure and needing to definitively know whether the door between us needed to stay closed or could possibly re-open? Because deep down, I wanted to know, too. And I was hopeful that maybe, just maybe, the door didn’t have to remain closed.

Le sigh.

I reached out to him and we’ll just say that he definitively made his feelings known: the door was not only closed but had been slammed shut. It was a punch to the heart, to say the least. But the bruises healed. I learned my lesson and I moved on. And what lesson did I learn? Closure isn’t always unnecessary. closure

Is my statement borne from the bruises that were inflicted on my heart because I re-opened a door that should have remained closed? Sure. After all, I could have saved myself the endless tears that came from his unrelenting honesty. I could have saved myself from the humiliation I felt so deeply. I could have saved myself from the anxiety that came from wondering if he had shared this story with his or our mutual friends. Yes, my statement is riddled with bias. But here’s the thing: in life, in general, my story notwithstanding, sometimes a goodbye, your goodbye, is one-sided and that’s OK. (I just killed a family of commas.) Sometimes both parties don’t need to officially end something. When you know and understand that it’s over, is it necessarily important that the other party acknowledge that it’s over, too? I really don’t think so.

I’m sure a roomful of therapists is presently finding my opinion laughable (and note that it’s my opinion), but that situation with the boy and many, many others that came after taught me a few things: closure2

  • Sudden silence in a relationship doesn’t always require a summary.
  • People disappear.
  • You never hear about certain topics again.
  • Friends quietly move on.

As much as I view myself as a Law and Order/Murder, She Wrote-type investigator, I’ve learned that certain moments in life don’t need me to dig deep. Silence speaks volumes when it needs to. But This Square Peg, you say, I’d rather just know where I stand with someone. I agree. However, we can’t always say that the other individual is interested in ensuring that you know where you stand with them. You know what I mean? Maybe they’re just done and somehow, they want you to get that. There won’t be an official coda.

Doesn’t mean you won’t be hurt.

Doesn’t mean you won’t be angry.

Doesn’t mean that the lack of resolution won’t eat at you.

Doesn’t mean that you won’t wonder.

But it happened.

Looking back at the situation with the boy, I initially did a lot of blaming in the aftermath. Myself for giving in to what I wanted to hear. My friend for placing that seed in my mind. The boy for being so intense with his honesty. The boy for not realizing how amazing I was. The boy for…we’ll stop there. Because hindsight and age mean understanding. Here’s what I now know for sure, clearer than an ending or a resolution or closure: it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

Let me know your thoughts about closure in the comments…are you for it? Against it? Doesn’t matter? 

5 thoughts on “(Un)necessary.

  1. you know what? I don’t believe in closure either. Or at least I believe that the closure that happens is within yourself. You may never hear what you want to hear on the other side. If you come to grips with the outcome, whatever response you receive will either be a bonus or a disappointing moment, but at least if you have had closure within yourself you wont necessarily become changed to the core (I’ve also killed a family of commas)

    1. Yes, I completely agree. If anything, as you said, the closure may happen internally. Not the official ending, but at least you make peace with it on your own without expecting the definable ending. And that’s ok. Poor commas. They’re so easy to mess with. Haha. Well said. 👏🏾👏🏾

  2. I agree with you. Such is the journey we are on. Sometimes, we get to have closure (from that person/external situation), and sometimes we don’t. Either way, we have to move on and soldier on.

  3. So… I dug around in your blog for a long time, because I was looking specifically for this post. Now that I’ve found it, I realize my feelings on the subject of closure are slightly different from what they were when you posted this.

    I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day (about a certain situation that you’re familiar with). She said something that, while I don’t necessarily agree with 100%, stuck with me: “Closure comes from within. When you go looking for closure from other people, you never find a satisfactory answer.” She, of course, was referring to my dealings with Mr. M; I told her that there would always be that part of me that would wonder if what was said by his family member was true, or if it was just the family member’s interpretation of things. I would always wonder if he really felt the way she said he felt, or if things were different.

    I realize that I may never get the answer to that question straight from the horse’s mouth. Not without putting myself through an unnecessary amount of agony and setting my recovery process back a few steps. And I get what she was saying: because of that, it’s important for me to close the book on this chapter. I may not get the closure I need from him, but I can work on getting closure from myself.

    I’m still figuring out how I feel about this. I guess I’ll let you know when I’ve come to a conclusion. 🙂 But I wanted to say thank you for sharing this. At the time you posted it, it wasn’t really relevant to my life. Now it is, and it’s nice that I’ve been able to come back and use this post to explore my feelings on the matter.

    1. You’re more than welcome. I’m glad that, if anything, the journey to attaining an internal sense of closure is where you’re at. Like you said, there will always be a part of us that wonders…but as long as we find a way to leave that chapter for a new one: it’s worth it. Thank you for always supporting this platform of my writing, by the way. Means a lot. 💜

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